Verdict

A decision has been made. I let it sink in. You were right, of course. I just needed time to think (and lots of consultations here and there).

It took a while for me to accept and understand. It's a show of weakness for me to even consider granting you this chance. The thing is, I will probably regret not meeting you. I wonder if the risk is worth the reward?

I still don't know your real motive. That's what bothers me. What's so important that you can't say it over a phone call? When I was the one asking you to meet me, you refused and pushed me away. No difference from when we were young... I still take what I can receive.

Please... If this is the last time, be honest with me. No promises, no lies. Even in the absence of love, there should be respect.

Tired

3 dreams, 3 readings.

2 cards appearing on all readings telling me the same thing.

1 person.

From my 3 dreams, I went from running away and learning, to receiving a confession and missing the feeling of being cared for, to exhaustion. I feel like everything I'm doing is for naught. But I won't give up, I won't give in. This is the cross I chose to bear. We play with the hand we're dealt.

In all 3 readings I've been told to set my boundaries. The dreams are permeating my reality with a vengeance. Persistence of the highest level. I thought I was okay, and it took just one phone call to undo all that progress.

Take baby steps, be firm, plan for the future they said. I swear I'm trying! It's just that gaping rabbit hole in the middle is so easy to fall back into. 🤦‍♀️

These memories, this heart, this mind and my inner being – they're all stubborn. Just like you. One moment I'd hate you, then after a while I forget, focus on other things, then randomly remember you fondly and miss you. It's a vicious cycle. How long will this last? I don't know. But talking to you doesn't help memories stay there. If you're trying to soil them with your negative traits, it's not working. All you're doing is to keep the feelings alive when they should be long dead.

Knight of Cups: Nagliligawan. One wooing another.

Queen of Swords: We need to set and keep our boundaries.

I'm so tired.

So very tired.

I know what we need to do but why is it so hard?

Do you feel the same way?

What do you really want from me?

Tomorrow is your mom's birthday. May she be blessed to live longer and see you succeed.

I never got to meet you even once yet I can't deny my desire to see you well taken care of. Happy birthday, mama. I'm sorry I can't send you anything except my love and wishes. Just think of your mother's day bouquet as my advanced gift. 😞

Into The Future

Epsilon Perseid meteor shower later today @ 4AM. Can't watch it live coz am prolly in dreamland, but here's hoping someone posts nice pics and/or vids later.

Anyway, I found a community of like-minded people I am comfortable with. Been hanging out with them for a week now, and so far it's been a blast. This week's Mafia game theme featured a bomber (so it was literally a blast 🤦‍♀️), 2 hunters (yours truly being one of them), and 5 jesters. It runs simultaneously with the Q&A Sessions, and this week's theme is "Into The Future".

Future, huh? 🤔...

I'll post the questions and answers here for the record.

Questions 1, 5, 6 and 7 have secret answers I'd rather not disclose to this community, I don't need to go into detail really. But in my heart of hearts, I know. Best not jinx it.

That's it. Imma go back to my ecom apps and checkout. Happy 9.9!

fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me

I'd be lying if I said I'm healed. I'm not quite there yet. There's still a certain weakness there for you – a persistent part of me that refuses to let go and see you in a bad light. My tender self who wants you to find happiness even if it's not with me. The younger me who wants a do-over with knowledge of the future.

I can't bring myself to watch Lovely Runner while this persona exists.

I'm not okay. I just make it seem so. In a hostile world, no one will fight for you if not out of selfless love. I still can't forgive myself for the crap I allowed to happen. Things went the way they did because of me. All I can do now is to drink wine and accept that I can't change the past. In Vino Veritas.

I can't bring myself to watch Queen of Tears while I haven't completely forgiven us all.

I told myself, that the moment I stop crying over the last 10 songs of your playlist, I would know I'm over you. That I would stop adding and removing songs from it. I already stopped crying, but the editing didn't.

You made me cry again last night. Dangerous. You still have power over me that I must refuse to grant you again.

People change, so does love. But they both stay, apparently, in some way or form.

I don't understand you, really. What sort of self-respecting woman would I be if I let you hurt me again? Are you this desperate for attention? I will resist and persist for as long as I have to.

If this is your way of destroying our precious memories together, you're doing a fantastic job.

They say "you deserve what you tolerate".

I don't deserve this from you.

She doesn't deserve this from you.

Your kid will carry a generational curse the same way you did.

If you still don't understand, you're hopeless...

I wanted you to live the life you deserve. The Universe seems to tell me this is it.

Then you called.

You want to meet?

It's rather frustrating how you're talking like you didn't cross a point of no return. Are you sick in the head or something? Or are you just testing me?

You tell me to not overthink, but I know you're aware that you're making me do exactly that! 🤦‍♀️

Funny how the mystery drawing I've been working on for the last 3 days finally reveals – of all things – a rabbit.

Yeah, it reminded me of us when we're together. 😒