That Damned 1%

November 1st – a day to commemorate martyrs and remember lost love

Just thinking about it, napaiyak nanaman ako. How much longer must I suffer?

Di ko naintindihan bakit hinihila mo ko pabalik kahit ilang beses na ko dumistansya. Umalis ako ng mga gc at discord server dati, binalik mo ako. Ikaw madalas yung nauunang magchat sa akin. I was giving you space so you can focus on her and forget about me pero it felt like ayaw mo akong mawala. Gusto mo pa rin akong ma-involve. Tinanong mo pa ako sa topak ng babae, na love nyo naman ang isa't isa. I don't need to know that. Masakit e. Aware ka ba kung anong effect nun sa akin?

I wondered how much of what happened between us was real or if it was just sexual desire. We knew our chemistry well, and I was there first after your dry spell (not counting Yuri). Para akong naging pitstop sa karera mo. I was hurt for you, for her, and for us when you said you missed me and the things we did together. Ang dating sa akin gusto mo tumikim ng ibang ulam for the last time; that last hurrah. How insulting... Napapalitan yung love ng hate. The confusing part is, everytime we talked, bumabalik yung love and if we met and you did your sweet talk again, we could get in trouble.

Yes, I still want you. There's a little love left too. When I allow myself to miss you, I still feel the hurt. The only way I can protect myself and prevent further mistakes is by refusing to meet.

In hindsight, I wonder if you were my real first love? Nung pinag-usapan kasi natin to, naisip ko dapat ibang tao, so baka si Uri. Problem is, I recall mostly the sex and pain – I have little memory of anything else. You on the other hand, got the complete version of me that no one else did.

I want to be happy for you, pero I can't do it wholeheartedly when I keep wishing we have a future together (minsan na lang naman pero hindi ko kontrolado utak ko e). That damned 1%. Tapos nakikipagbiruan ka pa na gusto mo ko makasama. You are my favorite mistake, but one we must choose not to make again.

I left Amanogawa. I'm still contemplating if I should leave Evil Plan, too. Unti unti ko na buburahin ang connections natin... I can't last for much longer. I just want this to be over. It's okay to remember, but to live through the pain again everyday... will be the death of me.

Unstable Ground

It's been a whirlwind of emotions these past 3 weeks. Something I've been waiting for since February came knocking on my door (well – they actually called, but you get the drift) and asked me if I still wanted to push through. Of course I said yes. But damn, I'm so exhausted. The fatigue is eating through my stamina, I wish the body fat would melt along with it. 😩

Shortcuts are a way to reach the same destination in a shorter amount of time compared to a normal route. That's what my course is. Yes, I finally went back to school. I'm just bulldozing through the damn thing hoping I pass. Let's hope my body can keep up. 😂

I feel like my life has purpose again. Even thought like a restart because it's been almost 20 years since I was a student. This blog was a witness through most of it. So I don't care as much that I feel so sleep-deprived and 24 hours per day are severely lacking. 10 weeks (7 left since I started 3 weeks ago) will be a breeze. I've taken the first step and I'm not turning back.

Thanks, Universe. Please be kind to me this time.

Verdict

A decision has been made. I let it sink in. You were right, of course. I just needed time to think (and lots of consultations here and there).

It took a while for me to accept and understand. It's a show of weakness for me to even consider granting you this chance. The thing is, I will probably regret not meeting you. I wonder if the risk is worth the reward?

I still don't know your real motive. That's what bothers me. What's so important that you can't say it over a phone call? When I was the one asking you to meet me, you refused and pushed me away. No difference from when we were young... I still take what I can receive.

Please... If this is the last time, be honest with me. No promises, no lies. Even in the absence of love, there should be respect.

Tired

3 dreams, 3 readings.

2 cards appearing on all readings telling me the same thing.

1 person.

From my 3 dreams, I went from running away and learning, to receiving a confession and missing the feeling of being cared for, to exhaustion. I feel like everything I'm doing is for naught. But I won't give up, I won't give in. This is the cross I chose to bear. We play with the hand we're dealt.

In all 3 readings I've been told to set my boundaries. The dreams are permeating my reality with a vengeance. Persistence of the highest level. I thought I was okay, and it took just one phone call to undo all that progress.

Take baby steps, be firm, plan for the future they said. I swear I'm trying! It's just that gaping rabbit hole in the middle is so easy to fall back into. 🤦‍♀️

These memories, this heart, this mind and my inner being – they're all stubborn. Just like you. One moment I'd hate you, then after a while I forget, focus on other things, then randomly remember you fondly and miss you. It's a vicious cycle. How long will this last? I don't know. But talking to you doesn't help memories stay there. If you're trying to soil them with your negative traits, it's not working. All you're doing is to keep the feelings alive when they should be long dead.

Knight of Cups: Nagliligawan. One wooing another.

Queen of Swords: We need to set and keep our boundaries.

I'm so tired.

So very tired.

I know what we need to do but why is it so hard?

Do you feel the same way?

What do you really want from me?

Tomorrow is your mom's birthday. May she be blessed to live longer and see you succeed.

I never got to meet you even once yet I can't deny my desire to see you well taken care of. Happy birthday, mama. I'm sorry I can't send you anything except my love and wishes. Just think of your mother's day bouquet as my advanced gift. 😞

Into The Future

Epsilon Perseid meteor shower later today @ 4AM. Can't watch it live coz am prolly in dreamland, but here's hoping someone posts nice pics and/or vids later.

Anyway, I found a community of like-minded people I am comfortable with. Been hanging out with them for a week now, and so far it's been a blast. This week's Mafia game theme featured a bomber (so it was literally a blast 🤦‍♀️), 2 hunters (yours truly being one of them), and 5 jesters. It runs simultaneously with the Q&A Sessions, and this week's theme is "Into The Future".

Future, huh? 🤔...

I'll post the questions and answers here for the record.

Questions 1, 5, 6 and 7 have secret answers I'd rather not disclose to this community, I don't need to go into detail really. But in my heart of hearts, I know. Best not jinx it.

That's it. Imma go back to my ecom apps and checkout. Happy 9.9!

fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me

I'd be lying if I said I'm healed. I'm not quite there yet. There's still a certain weakness there for you – a persistent part of me that refuses to let go and see you in a bad light. My tender self who wants you to find happiness even if it's not with me. The younger me who wants a do-over with knowledge of the future.

I can't bring myself to watch Lovely Runner while this persona exists.

I'm not okay. I just make it seem so. In a hostile world, no one will fight for you if not out of selfless love. I still can't forgive myself for the crap I allowed to happen. Things went the way they did because of me. All I can do now is to drink wine and accept that I can't change the past. In Vino Veritas.

I can't bring myself to watch Queen of Tears while I haven't completely forgiven us all.

I told myself, that the moment I stop crying over the last 10 songs of your playlist, I would know I'm over you. That I would stop adding and removing songs from it. I already stopped crying, but the editing didn't.

You made me cry again last night. Dangerous. You still have power over me that I must refuse to grant you again.

People change, so does love. But they both stay, apparently, in some way or form.

I don't understand you, really. What sort of self-respecting woman would I be if I let you hurt me again? Are you this desperate for attention? I will resist and persist for as long as I have to.

If this is your way of destroying our precious memories together, you're doing a fantastic job.

They say "you deserve what you tolerate".

I don't deserve this from you.

She doesn't deserve this from you.

Your kid will carry a generational curse the same way you did.

If you still don't understand, you're hopeless...

I wanted you to live the life you deserve. The Universe seems to tell me this is it.

Then you called.

You want to meet?

It's rather frustrating how you're talking like you didn't cross a point of no return. Are you sick in the head or something? Or are you just testing me?

You tell me to not overthink, but I know you're aware that you're making me do exactly that! 🤦‍♀️

Funny how the mystery drawing I've been working on for the last 3 days finally reveals – of all things – a rabbit.

Yeah, it reminded me of us when we're together. 😒

Detective Conan Things

So this weekend, Joey and I went to the mall and watched Detective Conan movie 27. It's been over a decade since I last watched anything from this series, so I was basically relying on long term memory to recognize characters 😂 that was kinda embarrassing lol. But yeah, it was fun.

Yesterday, I thought of rewatching old Detective Conan movies starting from #1 (Time-Bombed Skyscraper) coz I forgot them already. 14 minutes in and I was already regretting my decision. HAHAHA

The movie Ran wanted to watch with Shinichi was "The Legend of the Red String". 🤦‍♀️ But nope, I shook it off, shook it off. I kept watching the movie, first in Tagalog dub, then in Japanese (coz the Tagalog one had cut scenes).

Yeah, go figure. This was one of the few times the bomb timer was shown, and this number flashed on my screen. 😂

Then Ran explained her reasoning why she cut the blue wire instead of the red one, despite Shinichi telling her to cut her favorite color.

I've had enough at this point. 🥴 I didn't ask for signs, Universe. Stop throwing random shit at me.

Towards the end of the Japanese version, I saw a clip that was cut out of the Tagalog dub. HAHAHA well yeah, you don't have a chance at all until you get out of your sticky problem, Shinichi. Maybe in another decade. Or better luck next life. 😂

20 Years Ago

I had a dream where we looked like ourselves from 20 years ago.

We were in a school, it felt like UPLB but it's not. It was a large campus with a vast green space and multiple structures. I told you I needed to do something on the top floor of the old school building and asked you to go ahead without me.

It felt like a dwarf's house, small and unstable. I struggled to climb narrow staircases. There were dark corners and cracks in the walls... The place could pass as a horror movie set. Once on the top floor, I entered an office (Principal's? Dean's? Chancellor's?) but she wasn't there. The building shook a bit and I held onto a part of the roof support only for the wood to break. Made me feel like Goldilocks breaking stuff by accident. The building looks like it needs renovation — or maybe demolition, it can barely stand.

In the next scenario, I was leaving an assembly while trying to think of a Tagalog word I can't remember, so I kept asking Dolores (one of my dorm roommates) for help in recalling it. She just laughed and we went our separate ways. I saw you waiting in the next corner, wearing that smile I always adored.

It seems in this dream, we were attending college together. But it's unclear if we were in the same level/year.

You went and registered our classes and we had first period together. It was a Science subject. We sat in the back row, our chairs stuck together. You pulled your desk up and out of the way and we were borderline physically intimate. You made me touch your bulge below and I blushed, both of us wanting more. The instructor was busy yapping on with a projector in front. Our classmates ignored us completely.

Towards the end of class, I was submitting some paperwork when the instructor asked to see my ID. He saw that you wrote your name as my emergency contact on my ID using a sign pen, so he smudged it off because it looked messy. The ID looks old... with an ID number format that looks like a trace ID from work.

You wanted some alone time after that class and we were on our way to our shared flat when I woke up.

What is up with my dreams with you always ending up naughty!? 😤

Spam

Of all the surnames you can attach to randomly generated accounts, why this? 🤦‍♀️

Based on my research, I'm not the first person to experience this so it's possible that a spam bot was behind it. But the presence of this surname specifically opens the other possibility that this was intentionally done by another human. 😒

Universe, you're really not helping me out much here.

Anyway, I didn't click the link.

Die With A Smile

Sunday, August 18th. Body clock gone to shit and felt the sandman around 7AM.

I stirred from sleep in a rather messy room. Still felt groggy but knew I wasn't alone, so I forced my eyes open. I saw you there with your usual cheeky smile, you were in a good mood. Were you watching me sleep?

I asked what you were doing there (why didn't I ask why I was there 🤦‍♀️) and I don't remember your answer, but it seems there's an upcoming family gathering. It's your family's business in your mother's house, and against better judgment I was gonna join.

You said "I missed you". I broke eye contact.

I got up from bed and checked something across the room. We talked casually about your niece, I must be there on her invitation otherwise I really don't know why I'd be there. Later on you asked if the doll you unintentionally sat on was mine, then you held up a Barbie doll with messy blonde hair. (I brought a doll??) I frowned, not sure how to answer, then reached up behind you to show that no, that wasn't mine, and that my doll is safe behind a pillow. She had pristine, wavy brown hair. Maybe it's my gift for a younger niece.

You asked me if I wanted some coffee, I declined saying I want to sleep more. It was dark out, I yawned and stretched... my guard was down. Taking advantage of our closeness, you hugged my upper torso and sort of lifted me towards you, bringing us both down on the mattress with me on top. You kissed me and as if on autopilot, I kissed back. You flashed a quick mischievous grin, then we both said, "hindi na pwede". But you were friggin hard down there. 🤦‍♀️ I struggled to get off you and out of your arms, before a phone call jolted me awake.

It's funny how your touch felt warm and familiar in that dream. I should've forgotten by now. What's more baffling was it felt like I really was in your arms right before I woke up. Am I going crazy or what?

Today I thought long and hard as to what triggered that dream, trying to look at it from a logical perspective. I realized if I gave these memories a chance, I would still fucking hold a torch for you.

We should never meet again, you and I.

august

You still cross my mind everyday, sometimes from a triggered memory, other times out of the blue. The good news is, it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

One time last month I wondered, did you do something to stop the pain? Or is this what you meant would happen after you cut that red string? These thoughts make me doubt my mental state, but they're hard to ignore knowing what we went through.

You chatted me up this weekend and asked if I had money. I answered no. I still don't know what else you want, is this your way of checking up on me? I'm confused. I recalled that Soft Pillow question all those years ago...

I had an idea what the money was for, but I didn't want to come across as presumptuous so I asked — you didn't respond.

From talking everyday to chatting once a month... Oh, how things have changed. I never really wanted anything more than friendship, but you opened the possibilities and I hoped... No, I prayed for things I shouldn't.

The price I paid for these false hopes is steep. But maybe, was it just me or us? Did you end up absorbing everything again? I really hope not. The last thing I wanted for you was to suffer more heartache.

My memories of you bring happiness and peace, but it also calls back the pain. Our reunion came and went as fast as summer rain.

We last parted ways after a car ride. That day I surprised you outside your home, we went to church, ate samgyupsal, cracking jokes only lovers would. You bought brownies for me to take home. I remember our kiss — bittersweet and holding back. I knew we felt where all this was going.

I remember our promises, both broken and fulfilled. Our prayers, hopes, and dreams together. It was beautiful. It was home. It was love. But it wasn't ours to have.

So I've been making a conscious effort to bury our precious memories in the depths of my mind. Overwriting where I can. I've done this before, I can do it again. Thus is Fate tied down by Reality.

But my life will never be the same.

These are words I want to say to you, but I know I shouldn't. And so to the journal they go.

I wish you happiness, bi. I wish you love. Know that my heart wants your heart to be full and whole.