august

You still cross my mind everyday, sometimes from a triggered memory, other times out of the blue. The good news is, it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

One time last month I wondered, did you do something to stop the pain? Or is this what you meant would happen after you cut that red string? These thoughts make me doubt my mental state, but they're hard to ignore knowing what we went through.

You chatted me up this weekend and asked if I had money. I answered no. I still don't know what else you want, is this your way of checking up on me? I'm confused. I recalled that Soft Pillow question all those years ago...

I had an idea what the money was for, but I didn't want to come across as presumptuous so I asked — you didn't respond.

From talking everyday to chatting once a month... Oh, how things have changed. I never really wanted anything more than friendship, but you opened the possibilities and I hoped... No, I prayed for things I shouldn't.

The price I paid for these false hopes is steep. But maybe, was it just me or us? Did you end up absorbing everything again? I really hope not. The last thing I wanted for you was to suffer more heartache.

My memories of you bring happiness and peace, but it also calls back the pain. Our reunion came and went as fast as summer rain.

We last parted ways after a car ride. That day I surprised you outside your home, we went to church, ate samgyupsal, cracking jokes only lovers would. You bought brownies for me to take home. I remember our kiss — bittersweet and holding back. I knew we felt where all this was going.

I remember our promises, both broken and fulfilled. Our prayers, hopes, and dreams together. It was beautiful. It was home. It was love. But it wasn't ours to have.

So I've been making a conscious effort to bury our precious memories in the depths of my mind. Overwriting where I can. I've done this before, I can do it again. Thus is Fate tied down by Reality.

But my life will never be the same.

These are words I want to say to you, but I know I shouldn't. And so to the journal they go.

I wish you happiness, bi. I wish you love. Know that my heart wants your heart to be full and whole.