I'm all messed up again.

Tell me... Does anyone know the feeling of being torn apart? Literally? I think I just felt it.

I was checking my friends' profiles in Friendster when I saw one that really caught my attention. So I opened it. Wow, many photos.. lemme check 'em. ~_~ As I browsed through them and saw the date stamps on the pictures, I tried to trace back to what happened on those dates. I tried to analyze the facial expressions on my friend's face. Then my heart ached when I saw that person's face change from melodramatic (late December) to really happy (mid January). I knew right then and there, what I felt was wrong... It should be wrong. I'm not supposed to re-enter in that person's life becuase I know where that person's happy now, and I'm happy for that.

I know it's wrong to feel this way about that person. Because I'm happy with someone now. This is all so wrong...

Now I remember, and understand what this quote from "Tips on Moving On" meant: Pick up the pieces but never put them back."

It's easier said than done.

:(

Depression ate me whole coz...

Last night, I cried.

I cried for something that's real.
I cried because I felt sad.
But later on, I cried because I realized...

It was real.

A real variety of "it" is rare to find in cases such as mine.

And in the end, the tears I cried... were tears of joy.

After the worst was over, I went to my room to contemplate... And avoid the possibility of my mom finding me in the state I was in. When I really thought about it, I realized that those tears prove that what I felt is real. That when I cry for my life as a human in real life, was being human.

That I prioritize something that is real, over something that is virtual.

I loved him despite his imperfections... I hope he loved me the same way. After all, from what I believe, it is the essence of humanity. Loving despite of imperfections. Filling in each other's gaps.

*sigh* you're so near yet so far... ='(

I cry again.

It's already been a month? Waaaaaaah!

Oh yesh.. summer vacation. One would've expected a blogger such as me to update my blog more often since it's summer vacation, one would expect I'd have lost my workload since there are no classes! But the truth is... NOT! My work just piled up actually. Yes, it's summer vacation for me, but it's also summer vacation for everyone else. So naturally, our shop is always a full house! I might as well be packed along with them inside a can of sardines! (and that is NO joke! @_@)

Now that I opened my Blogger dashboard, I realized it's only been barely a month ago since I last posted an update here. Know what? It felt like a year! (in my mind i know it's been a month but it still FELT like a looooong time) Now I know why they say work makes you feel old (and LOOK old!). I really need a trustworthy assistant around here who's got as much (or even more) computer-know-how than me. At the rate I'm going, I'll drop dead after another month of whole day, no rest workload. (and they say my brother works his ass off? Look at me!! X_x)

So enough rants. What am I up to these days? Well, aside from work, I'm still working on the auditing blah blahs of our store. Too many numbers.. Me dizzy.. me go sleep! x.x errr.. that's what I wanted.. But I couldn't do it.. And besides if I do fall asleep, my mom would just kick my arse and send me back to work. XD (this still sounds like a rant! ARGH!!) CHANGE TOPIC!!!

My big ol' shnuggleplum bradah says he'll visit me here along with my sister-in-law and their son.. I can't wait! I can't get over how cute he is! LOL! I'ma sucker for cute stuff, so what! >.< Another thing for me to expect is my hubby coming to visit me here! He says it's gonna be a surprise visit. Okaaaaay.. that's one thing I'm not sure I'd be lookin forward to. I'd hate for him to catch me in my working clothes.. feeling, smelling, looking like hell.. That's gonna be a nightmare. X.x won't be such a good first, second, third or even last impression. ~_~

Ahh.. what else.. Want me to rant about my online VR life? Well frankly speaking, I'm convincing myself that everything's just fine. But really, it's not. I don't like the way things are going for us and them. 2 groups.. 2 factions under the same roof? I must admit that I'm not new to the scenario but one thing I can surely tell you is.. IT SUCKS! The only thing I'm praying for now is.. well.. I hope our efforts will be rewarded.. We're not doing this for ourselves but for everyone else. We're busy enough just keeping each other sane.. Why can't some people see that? *sigh*

Setting all those rants aside.. thankfully I was lucky (or maybe even blessed) enough to have someone who can take care for me, and watch my back when I forget.

Thanks for being there for me.. Though I have failed you many times.. Countless times.. You kept me going through the tough times.. You still stood by me even when I was about to give up.. You kept my head held high. I owe you a whole lot. Thanks so much dearie. :)

I know this was the last time we saw each other through our virtual alter egos. Even when we weren't exactly in the best of terms, you were there for me. I'm sorry I got you red coz you killed the guy who killed me.. (My knight in shining armor..) *dreamy, mushy look* XD

It's time for me to sleep now.. hehe. ^^