"That hurts, you know. That really hurts."
I've heard the line "The truth hurts" too many times in my lifetime, at what people would call a tender age of eighteen. But I never expected it to have such a big impact on me, especially now. Why I said that? Look at this dialogue.
"Hello? Who's this? Hello?"
"Don't you remember me?"
"Who IS this?"
"You really don't remember me??"
The truth I feared hit me like a bucket of ice-cold water last night. I only thought it COULD happen, but I didn't expect it would come so soon, or even come at all! He didn't recognize me! My heart skipped one too many beats. I felt crushed. Neglected. And the worst? Forgotten and left behind. I wasn't prepared for it. And that's when the chain of regret started... and completely overpowered my chain of reason.
It was like talking to an amnesia patient. I felt like that reporter who intervied Ester Bailey with her impossibly psychotic mind. If my load didn't run out I probably would've gone on asking: "Don't you remember me?" or "Don't you remember my voice?" or maybe "Did my voice change??".
It made me wish I never called him. For the first time since we got separated, I wanted to forget and let go completely. I don't remember ever feeling so down in the dumps as much as I did last night. But this... letting go, won't go without a consequence. That I rid myself of all emotion and be a living dead. Can I do that? Well, I can. I tried and succeeded before. I just don't know if I can still pull that stunt, after I became such a softie.
This made me wonder why anything and everything comes at a price. Whether it be your last peso or even your life. The thought made me curse inside. I wish I went with my idea before... Maybe it wouldn't have hurt as much as it did now, and maybe for the next few years. Just look at this letter I found.
(I translated some of the sentences into English and got rid of the SMS words.)
***
Jinkie,
I'm sorry I could only say this here. I let the situation get to what it is now. I'll be straightforward then. We can't go on like this. We have to let go, while we still can. I'll be leaving for the States next week. And I'm never coming back. I've decided, that I'm going to work there now, and earn for my family. I can't let you wait in vain while I'm there. I want you to be able to move on, without me.
I know it's all so sudden, but this is the only chance I have. I'll be leaving with my brother next week and take the free slot in his previous workplace. I decided that it's time for me to take responsibility. Be the man of the family. Coz I know I'm the only one strong enough here.
I guess we just weren't meant for each other. I'm really sorry for this. I made you wait for such a long time before I was able to summon up all my courage to tell you. I'm so very sorry... But do know I love you and I never did you wrong. The memories of us together, I will keep it in my heart forever. Thank you for everything. I love you... and goodbye.
***
Personally speaking, I think breaking the news like that, ESPECIALLY through Friendster(!), has got to be one of the most cruel things a guy can do to a girl. I know, I experienced it. I felt pathetic. I pitied myself. And I always wondered where I went wrong. I know I gave him everything... EVERYTHING. I never lacked anywhere. I even sacrificed a lot, even my own studies. Everyday was a battle for our love. (eww, mushy stuff!! I HATE this...) That experience left me in a state of shock. I sunk to the floor of my well of thoughts... until my savior came in and pulled me out of the freezing cold water. He revived me. And helped me become who I am now. But when I thought of it, releasing the news like that is way better than not telling her at all. I envy that girl Jinkie, though she may feel like sh*t for a while, that sorrow will soon pass, and she'll find someone else. I, on the other hand, will suffer the same thing, over and over, while he's away. Am I afraid of tomorrow? Yes. I'm afraid Ill hear him say, "Do I know you?" next. It'll probably make me wish I was never born.
Let's move on to a different topic, shall we? I'm following up on my appointment at school tomorrow. Pretty soon I'll start working, at least for my allowance. Hopefully it will take up much of my time and help me forget and focus on the more important things in life. It sucks to have no money. Well, I'm not flat out broke (yet), I just don't want to touch my savings. I might need it for something else in the future. (haha, they say I'm a money hoarder! I am soooo NOT!! XD)
But you know? This isn't helping me healthwise. I still have dreams for our house, my folks, and especially for myself. Too bad I'll have to sacrifice one dream for the other thousands to come. =(
My word of advice for myself, never devote too much of yourself on one thing alone. I have yet to learn how it's done. I'm still hoping it's not too late for me when that time comes...
5.23.2005
A Few Crazy Blog Quizzes. ^^;
This has got to be the creepiest blog quiz I ever took. Before I excluded the things I thought I was (that was way before I met the people who changed my life and how I see things @_@... I was just curious of what result I would've obtained! ^^;) I was supposed to be sent to the 8th Level of Hell. Creepy!! T_T
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmm. I dunno. Just got bored? XD
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Up next is, well... umm... I have no idea!! Just don't look at me like that! Gyaah!! >_<
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very High |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Very High |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Moderate |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Moderate |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Very Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Low |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Low |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Low |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Very Low |
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmm. I dunno. Just got bored? XD
| Your Birthdate: June 9 |
Your birth on the 9th day of the month adds a tone of idealism and humanitarianism to your nature. You become one who can work easily with people because you are broadminded, tolerant and generous. You are ever sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you are very sympathetic and compassionate. Your feelings run deep and you often find yourself in dramatically charged situations. This 9 energy always tends to give more than it gets. |
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Up next is, well... umm... I have no idea!! Just don't look at me like that! Gyaah!! >_<
| Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake |
 You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many. The minute you meet anyone, you can make them crave you almost immediately. You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss. A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract. |
5.07.2005
Good Food = Good Mood. Happy Mother's Day! ^.^
"Laughter definitely is the best medicine... accompanied by a scrumptious snack." =^.^=
I was seated on my beanbag in the den watching Midori no Hibi's first episode on Animax when my mom blurted out, "Hey, this snack isn't expired yet!". ^_^; Well, that's how things go in the household... We buy stuff early on before they get any more expensive, then stock 'em up and eat them when we need to. These days, it's hard to get by with a limited budget. See, my dad's retired and most of his retirement pay went to loan payments, like the house loan thingie, and he used a lot of money paying up his credit card debts (oops, not sure if I should've said that just now... XD) and all that other crappy stuff. Back to the issue of a good snack, when I was cleaning up the cupboards to move our store's buffer stock in the cabinets, I found an 85 gram pack of Piattos Roadhouse Barbecue flavor. I don't exactly remember when the stuff was bought... I was guessing a year ago (guess I was wrong though XD) so I put it on the dining table's center platter so I'd remember to check whether it's still edible or poisonous. *laughs* 2 days after I found it, mom put it on display in the store! I was shocked! C'mon, I don't wanna get sued for food poisoning... ^x^;;; So I took it out a while ago and told my mom we shouldn't sell it coz we don't know its expiry date. (I want to sell only those we bought recently for the store) Then, enter mom's dialogue at the beginning of my lil' story. ^_^
So mom called me to the table, abruptly disturbing my giggling fiasco in front of the TV coz Seiji just saw Midori's naked body... (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! XD) and she shoved a piece of Piattos in my mouth without me noticing so she almost made me choke my guts out and made me real mad. Except for the fact that the snack she actually fed me was really yummy... I forgave her in 2 seconds. XD So anyway, she mixed up a dip made up of white stuff and red stuff, which I guessed was ketchup... And I expected the white stuff to be mayonnaise, but she surprised me by saying it was Nestlé All Purpose Cream. (aww, c'mon!! Am I advertising here!? O_o?) I'm not kidding, I'm not pulling your leg. It was DELICIOUS. If only I had allowance this summer, I'd buy more packs of Piattos and I'd stuff myself with my new discovery till I swear not to eat another bite (for the night, that is XD)... ahh, bliss. ~_~
So, enough about food already... tomorrow is Mother's Day... gosh it rained quite a bit outside and in the house as well... My mom and grandma were arguing since morning, and grandma's stint this afternoon was the last straw. Grandma is... well, gallant... too gallant that it's kinda irritating. One of my parents' godchildren came over this afternoon, I was upstairs then and mom said she was sleeping on the couch. Grandma was outside reading one of mom's StarStudio magazines which she rents for a fee. Well grandma, knowing she's so darn gallant, gave the kid two (pretty expensive) chocolate drinks, without mom's permission. Mom eventually found out and she went ballistic, especially when grandma said it's on her tab. I don't maintain a list of things she takes from the store. I'm not sure if mom does. Grandma doesn't have any money really... Her husband's pension went to other people. Why? She loaned it to them. 5 years ago. And she still hasn't got a single cent back ever since. And that's what I really hated about her. She can be so gullible sometimes. So I can somehow understand why mom gets so irritated. Another reason is her being such a busybody. She's already weakened a great deal, yet she insists she can still stay outdoors for long periods of time, under the searing heat, tending to her plants. On one occasion, I even yelled at her because she wanted me to unlock the front gate so she could water her plants. She said, "My plant is dying!" and I said, "If you keep this up, you'll die before your plant does!!" Now tell me what I did was wrong. Maybe the yelling part was, but the purpose is there. I did it for her own good. Coz the only way to confront a stubborn person is to be equally, if possible, more stubborn than him/her.
This Mother's Day, since I didn't get the chance to go out and find gift items for the 2 generations before me, I guess I'll have to settle for the mushy stuff. Don't get me wrong, I made it a habit not to spend mushy moments with my family, coz I always end up crying. And I hate that. I prefer spending those times with my close friends and my most loved one. ~_~; Hey, anyone got any gift ideas for me? I really, really don't wanna go for the mushy lovey-dovey stuff... I might die of embarrassment. Waaaaah. T_T
*sigh* I wish my grandma be granted a well-functioning, understanding brain... And I wish my mom would learn to be open-minded to the issue of granting me semi-independence... like having a boyfriend. I want her to recognize him... For what he really is to me... And I to him.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone's mothers, and to all the mothers reading this! Minna, ganbatte kudasai! ^o^
I was seated on my beanbag in the den watching Midori no Hibi's first episode on Animax when my mom blurted out, "Hey, this snack isn't expired yet!". ^_^; Well, that's how things go in the household... We buy stuff early on before they get any more expensive, then stock 'em up and eat them when we need to. These days, it's hard to get by with a limited budget. See, my dad's retired and most of his retirement pay went to loan payments, like the house loan thingie, and he used a lot of money paying up his credit card debts (oops, not sure if I should've said that just now... XD) and all that other crappy stuff. Back to the issue of a good snack, when I was cleaning up the cupboards to move our store's buffer stock in the cabinets, I found an 85 gram pack of Piattos Roadhouse Barbecue flavor. I don't exactly remember when the stuff was bought... I was guessing a year ago (guess I was wrong though XD) so I put it on the dining table's center platter so I'd remember to check whether it's still edible or poisonous. *laughs* 2 days after I found it, mom put it on display in the store! I was shocked! C'mon, I don't wanna get sued for food poisoning... ^x^;;; So I took it out a while ago and told my mom we shouldn't sell it coz we don't know its expiry date. (I want to sell only those we bought recently for the store) Then, enter mom's dialogue at the beginning of my lil' story. ^_^
So mom called me to the table, abruptly disturbing my giggling fiasco in front of the TV coz Seiji just saw Midori's naked body... (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! XD) and she shoved a piece of Piattos in my mouth without me noticing so she almost made me choke my guts out and made me real mad. Except for the fact that the snack she actually fed me was really yummy... I forgave her in 2 seconds. XD So anyway, she mixed up a dip made up of white stuff and red stuff, which I guessed was ketchup... And I expected the white stuff to be mayonnaise, but she surprised me by saying it was Nestlé All Purpose Cream. (aww, c'mon!! Am I advertising here!? O_o?) I'm not kidding, I'm not pulling your leg. It was DELICIOUS. If only I had allowance this summer, I'd buy more packs of Piattos and I'd stuff myself with my new discovery till I swear not to eat another bite (for the night, that is XD)... ahh, bliss. ~_~
So, enough about food already... tomorrow is Mother's Day... gosh it rained quite a bit outside and in the house as well... My mom and grandma were arguing since morning, and grandma's stint this afternoon was the last straw. Grandma is... well, gallant... too gallant that it's kinda irritating. One of my parents' godchildren came over this afternoon, I was upstairs then and mom said she was sleeping on the couch. Grandma was outside reading one of mom's StarStudio magazines which she rents for a fee. Well grandma, knowing she's so darn gallant, gave the kid two (pretty expensive) chocolate drinks, without mom's permission. Mom eventually found out and she went ballistic, especially when grandma said it's on her tab. I don't maintain a list of things she takes from the store. I'm not sure if mom does. Grandma doesn't have any money really... Her husband's pension went to other people. Why? She loaned it to them. 5 years ago. And she still hasn't got a single cent back ever since. And that's what I really hated about her. She can be so gullible sometimes. So I can somehow understand why mom gets so irritated. Another reason is her being such a busybody. She's already weakened a great deal, yet she insists she can still stay outdoors for long periods of time, under the searing heat, tending to her plants. On one occasion, I even yelled at her because she wanted me to unlock the front gate so she could water her plants. She said, "My plant is dying!" and I said, "If you keep this up, you'll die before your plant does!!" Now tell me what I did was wrong. Maybe the yelling part was, but the purpose is there. I did it for her own good. Coz the only way to confront a stubborn person is to be equally, if possible, more stubborn than him/her.
This Mother's Day, since I didn't get the chance to go out and find gift items for the 2 generations before me, I guess I'll have to settle for the mushy stuff. Don't get me wrong, I made it a habit not to spend mushy moments with my family, coz I always end up crying. And I hate that. I prefer spending those times with my close friends and my most loved one. ~_~; Hey, anyone got any gift ideas for me? I really, really don't wanna go for the mushy lovey-dovey stuff... I might die of embarrassment. Waaaaah. T_T
*sigh* I wish my grandma be granted a well-functioning, understanding brain... And I wish my mom would learn to be open-minded to the issue of granting me semi-independence... like having a boyfriend. I want her to recognize him... For what he really is to me... And I to him.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone's mothers, and to all the mothers reading this! Minna, ganbatte kudasai! ^o^
5.04.2005
A Sudden Farewell..?
5 hours after watching Midori no Hibi's last episode, "Last Days", it got me thinking: "Can I condense 3 years into 13 days?"
A few days from now... actually, exactly a week from now, Kyle will be leaving for Taiwan. After watching Midori no Hibi (I just finished recording the episode on the laptop for the third time today ^^;), a peculiar thought paid my twisted mind a second visit. I thought of falling into a three-year coma, and accompanying him overseas in Spirit form until the day he returns to the country (where my body would be), or until I feel confident enough to leave him by himself there. Sure, I wouldn't be able to do things with him like Midori was able to with Seiji Sawamura, but seeing him everyday would've been more than enough for poor lil' ol' me. :D *think Yo Asakura with Amidamaru floating beside him*
Like my last entry in "Sentiments on the Marble Floor", I'm still doting over this animé series' storyline. My feelings during my composition time had something to do with how I saw Midori. In my recording, Midori said: "I feel sad. I feel lonely for some reason... I want to feel how I felt before. I want to feel safe... I want to feel like somebody's protecting me. That's how I felt when I was asleep. I want that back!" This series left me feeling so incomplete... Like my heart's being torn apart because I wanted to do something but there's always something keeping me from doing it. First, the people around me who control me... and fears and anxieties in me that I can't get rid of. Or maybe... I'm too afraid to even try..? If only I had someone I know who can act as my Kouta (spelling?)... and stop my parents from hindering my first step into a free life, or at least, a life close enough to what you can call free. In the end, I left myself in thought, wishing one of my other selves knew how to stand up for me at the right time. They have such lousy timing...
If I was grumpy last time, this time around I'm feeling rather forlorn. I believe I may be experiencing the same thing my brother Kenny was lately (he's not my blood relative, mind you). I wish I could seek his counsel now, like he did with me last week. I just know he'd knock some sense into me. Perhaps a word or two would wake me up from this dream state I'm in. But, on the other hand, I never had the heart to ask him... If he's still up to the task of keeping my trail of thoughts straight. Then Mia calmly reminds me: "No prob. You know I'd do anything to help.Ü" That's what he said when I thanked him and apologized for the trouble I caused him. That's when I badly wished I had a brother. His shoulder would've sufficed.
To top off my entry for today... I'd like to describe how I imagined myself this afernoon... after my brain got messed up and I directed my frustration towards yet another innocent bystander.
"I was all curled up, not moving, and eyes shut tight as if trying to erase a horrible thought. Before I realized it, I made myself a cage of tears, and the bird inside was me. As people pass by, I scream for them to help me escape, yet no one understood... for all they heard was the sound of sweet chirps forming up a song. Little did they realize... that the bird inside... was singing its dying song. And as time passed, the bird was long-forgotten. With body turned to ash and blown by the wind, she was finally set free."
Upon thinking over the last line, I suddenly thought: "Would this mean that I can only be truly free in death? The cards must be playing a trick on me." But then again, I knew for myself that more often than not, my "premonitions" in the form of daydreams give a significant meaning. I'm just hoping this is one of those spur-of-the-moment thoughts, and nothing like this would ever have to happen to me.
And, about my last wish in Sentiments... Know what? No one kidnapped me. *pouts*
A few days from now... actually, exactly a week from now, Kyle will be leaving for Taiwan. After watching Midori no Hibi (I just finished recording the episode on the laptop for the third time today ^^;), a peculiar thought paid my twisted mind a second visit. I thought of falling into a three-year coma, and accompanying him overseas in Spirit form until the day he returns to the country (where my body would be), or until I feel confident enough to leave him by himself there. Sure, I wouldn't be able to do things with him like Midori was able to with Seiji Sawamura, but seeing him everyday would've been more than enough for poor lil' ol' me. :D *think Yo Asakura with Amidamaru floating beside him*
Like my last entry in "Sentiments on the Marble Floor", I'm still doting over this animé series' storyline. My feelings during my composition time had something to do with how I saw Midori. In my recording, Midori said: "I feel sad. I feel lonely for some reason... I want to feel how I felt before. I want to feel safe... I want to feel like somebody's protecting me. That's how I felt when I was asleep. I want that back!" This series left me feeling so incomplete... Like my heart's being torn apart because I wanted to do something but there's always something keeping me from doing it. First, the people around me who control me... and fears and anxieties in me that I can't get rid of. Or maybe... I'm too afraid to even try..? If only I had someone I know who can act as my Kouta (spelling?)... and stop my parents from hindering my first step into a free life, or at least, a life close enough to what you can call free. In the end, I left myself in thought, wishing one of my other selves knew how to stand up for me at the right time. They have such lousy timing...
If I was grumpy last time, this time around I'm feeling rather forlorn. I believe I may be experiencing the same thing my brother Kenny was lately (he's not my blood relative, mind you). I wish I could seek his counsel now, like he did with me last week. I just know he'd knock some sense into me. Perhaps a word or two would wake me up from this dream state I'm in. But, on the other hand, I never had the heart to ask him... If he's still up to the task of keeping my trail of thoughts straight. Then Mia calmly reminds me: "No prob. You know I'd do anything to help.Ü" That's what he said when I thanked him and apologized for the trouble I caused him. That's when I badly wished I had a brother. His shoulder would've sufficed.
To top off my entry for today... I'd like to describe how I imagined myself this afernoon... after my brain got messed up and I directed my frustration towards yet another innocent bystander.
"I was all curled up, not moving, and eyes shut tight as if trying to erase a horrible thought. Before I realized it, I made myself a cage of tears, and the bird inside was me. As people pass by, I scream for them to help me escape, yet no one understood... for all they heard was the sound of sweet chirps forming up a song. Little did they realize... that the bird inside... was singing its dying song. And as time passed, the bird was long-forgotten. With body turned to ash and blown by the wind, she was finally set free."
Upon thinking over the last line, I suddenly thought: "Would this mean that I can only be truly free in death? The cards must be playing a trick on me." But then again, I knew for myself that more often than not, my "premonitions" in the form of daydreams give a significant meaning. I'm just hoping this is one of those spur-of-the-moment thoughts, and nothing like this would ever have to happen to me.
And, about my last wish in Sentiments... Know what? No one kidnapped me. *pouts*
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