Truth or Consequence? You aren't really given a choice.

"That hurts, you know. That really hurts."

I've heard the line "The truth hurts" too many times in my lifetime, at what people would call a tender age of eighteen. But I never expected it to have such a big impact on me, especially now. Why I said that? Look at this dialogue.

"Hello? Who's this? Hello?"
"Don't you remember me?"
"Who IS this?"
"You really don't remember me??"

The truth I feared hit me like a bucket of ice-cold water last night. I only thought it COULD happen, but I didn't expect it would come so soon, or even come at all! He didn't recognize me! My heart skipped one too many beats. I felt crushed. Neglected. And the worst? Forgotten and left behind. I wasn't prepared for it. And that's when the chain of regret started... and completely overpowered my chain of reason.

It was like talking to an amnesia patient. I felt like that reporter who intervied Ester Bailey with her impossibly psychotic mind. If my load didn't run out I probably would've gone on asking: "Don't you remember me?" or "Don't you remember my voice?" or maybe "Did my voice change??".

It made me wish I never called him. For the first time since we got separated, I wanted to forget and let go completely. I don't remember ever feeling so down in the dumps as much as I did last night. But this... letting go, won't go without a consequence. That I rid myself of all emotion and be a living dead. Can I do that? Well, I can. I tried and succeeded before. I just don't know if I can still pull that stunt, after I became such a softie.

This made me wonder why anything and everything comes at a price. Whether it be your last peso or even your life. The thought made me curse inside. I wish I went with my idea before... Maybe it wouldn't have hurt as much as it did now, and maybe for the next few years. Just look at this letter I found.

(I translated some of the sentences into English and got rid of the SMS words.)

***
Jinkie,

I'm sorry I could only say this here. I let the situation get to what it is now. I'll be straightforward then. We can't go on like this. We have to let go, while we still can. I'll be leaving for the States next week. And I'm never coming back. I've decided, that I'm going to work there now, and earn for my family. I can't let you wait in vain while I'm there. I want you to be able to move on, without me.

I know it's all so sudden, but this is the only chance I have. I'll be leaving with my brother next week and take the free slot in his previous workplace. I decided that it's time for me to take responsibility. Be the man of the family. Coz I know I'm the only one strong enough here.

I guess we just weren't meant for each other. I'm really sorry for this. I made you wait for such a long time before I was able to summon up all my courage to tell you. I'm so very sorry... But do know I love you and I never did you wrong. The memories of us together, I will keep it in my heart forever. Thank you for everything. I love you... and goodbye.
***

Personally speaking, I think breaking the news like that, ESPECIALLY through Friendster(!), has got to be one of the most cruel things a guy can do to a girl. I know, I experienced it. I felt pathetic. I pitied myself. And I always wondered where I went wrong. I know I gave him everything... EVERYTHING. I never lacked anywhere. I even sacrificed a lot, even my own studies. Everyday was a battle for our love. (eww, mushy stuff!! I HATE this...) That experience left me in a state of shock. I sunk to the floor of my well of thoughts... until my savior came in and pulled me out of the freezing cold water. He revived me. And helped me become who I am now. But when I thought of it, releasing the news like that is way better than not telling her at all. I envy that girl Jinkie, though she may feel like sh*t for a while, that sorrow will soon pass, and she'll find someone else. I, on the other hand, will suffer the same thing, over and over, while he's away. Am I afraid of tomorrow? Yes. I'm afraid Ill hear him say, "Do I know you?" next. It'll probably make me wish I was never born.

Let's move on to a different topic, shall we? I'm following up on my appointment at school tomorrow. Pretty soon I'll start working, at least for my allowance. Hopefully it will take up much of my time and help me forget and focus on the more important things in life. It sucks to have no money. Well, I'm not flat out broke (yet), I just don't want to touch my savings. I might need it for something else in the future. (haha, they say I'm a money hoarder! I am soooo NOT!! XD)

But you know? This isn't helping me healthwise. I still have dreams for our house, my folks, and especially for myself. Too bad I'll have to sacrifice one dream for the other thousands to come. =(

My word of advice for myself, never devote too much of yourself on one thing alone. I have yet to learn how it's done. I'm still hoping it's not too late for me when that time comes...